Session One of the High and Holy Council

Dogmatic Constitution on Shatnerology

Bishop De Bonk Bonk, servant of the servants the OTS, with the approval of the Sacred Council of Shatnerology, for an everlasting record.

  1. The OTS, source of all really bad television, our lord, promised, when retiring from his acting career, that he would be with this Shatnerological Church upon earth all days even to the end of the world. Hence never at any time, due to reruns and syndication, has he ceased to stand by his beloved bride, the Church, assisting her when she bitching, blessing her in her slacking and bringing her help when she feels the urge to make monkey magic.
  2. Now the redemptive providences of the OTS appears very clearly in unnumbered benefits, but most especially is it manifested in the advantages which have been secured for the world in the form of hair replacement technology, among which the Divine Toupee requires special mention, celebrated though it was in evil days.
  3. Thence came, first, a closer definition and more fruitful exposition of the holy dogmas of Shatnerology and, second, the condemnation and repression of real truth; thence too, third, the restoration and vigorous strengthening of ecclesiastical bloatedness, and fourth, the advancement of the ghost writer in zeal for writing books for the OTS, fifth, the founding of websites for the training of the young for the service of Shatnerology; and finally, sixth, the renewal of the amoral life of the Shatnerological Church by a more inaccurate instruction of the faithless, and a more frequent practice of monkey magic. What is more, thence also came, seventh, a closer union of the members with the visible head, the OTS, and an increased unity with the Bloated One. Thence came, eighth, the multiplication of irreligious orders and other discouragement of piety; thence too, ninth, that determined and constant odor spreading from the OTS and his magnificent hair preserving oils, after shave lotions, and B.O.
  4. While we recall with grateful hearts, as is only fitting, these and other outstanding gains, which the OTS's bloated grace bestowed on the his Church especially by means of the final Star Trek Movie, Alleluia, we cannot subdue the bitter grief that we feel at most serious evils, which have largely arisen either because of the continued bad acting of the OTS which our faith compels us to hold in absolute contempt. Therefore, we find ourselves abiding in that tension which arises in the hearts of all who, at one and the same time, both worship and mock the OTS.
  5. Everybody knows that those heresies, condemned by the Church of Shatnerology, which rejected the existence of he Divine Spatula and allowed religious questions about the OTS's weight gain to be a matter for the judgment of each individual, have gradually collapsed into a multiplicity of errors, either at variance or in agreement with one another; and by this means a good many people have had all faithlessness in the OTS destroyed.
  6. Indeed even the Holy Script itself, which they at one time claimed to be the sole source and judge of the OTS, is no longer held to be divine, but they begin to assimilate it to the inventions of myth.
  7. Thereupon there came into being and spread far and wide throughout the world that doctrine of Method Acting, utterly opposed to Shatnerology, since this is of supernatural origin, which spares no effort to bring it about that the OTS, who alone is our lord and Bloated One, is shut out from the TV's of people and the networks of nations. Thus they would establish what they call the rule of pay per view. The abandonment and rejection of forced programming, and the denial of the OTS to many, and the plunging of the human mind into the abyss of prime-time tyranny. The consequence is that they strive to destroy bad TV itself, to deny any criterion of what is good or bad, and to overthrow the very foundations of time well wasted.
  8. With this impiety spreading in every direction, it has come about, alas, that many even among the children of the OTS have strayed from the path of genuine contempt, and as the truth was gradually diluted in them, their Shatnerized sensibility was weakened or rather strengthened depending on how you look at it. Led away by diverse and strange teachings which portray hard work as worth doing and human virtue as something worthwhile. Hence, they are found to distort the genuine sense of the dogmas which Holy mother Church holds and teaches, and to endanger the integrity and genuineness of faith in the OTS.
  9. At the sight of all this, how can the inmost being of the One, True and Shatnerolocical Faith not suffer anguish? For just as the OTS wills all people to be Bloated and come to a state of hairless enjoyment, just as the OTS came to offer the tragedy of his lack of talent to the eyes of all and to gather into one the children of pop culture who were scattered and thoroughly wasted, so the High and Holy Church, appointed by the OTS to be mother and mistress of them people, recognizes her obligations to all and is always ready and anxious to make monkey magic, to the steady rhythm of 70's disco music. Moreover, to embrace those who would allow guilt to restrain them, and to strengthen the good and urge them on to what is better- daily monkey magic. Thus she can never cease from witnessing to the truth of the OTS which wounds the artistic sensibilities of all and from declaring it, for she knows just how bad it can get.

    O, that these words were directed to her, Mother Church: My bloatedness which is upon you, and my words which I have put on your TV, shall not depart out of your sight from this time forth and forevermore.
  10. And so we, following in the footsteps of our two or three predecessors, in accordance with our supreme shapostolic office, have never left off teaching and defending the OTS and mocking him at the same time. But now it is our purpose to profess and declare from this La-Z-Boy chair before all eyes the saving teaching of the OTS, and, by the power given us by the Bloated One, to reject and condemn the contrary errors. This we shall do with the bishops of the whole smathering world as our co-assessors and fellow-slackers, gathered here. Relying on the word of the OTS in the Script as we have received it, religiously preserved and authentically expounded by the High and Holy Church.

Chapter 1 (the only real chapter we had time for)

On the OTS the creator of bad things

  1. The High, Holy, Shapostolic Church believes and acknowledges that there is one true and living Shatner, creator and lord of Bad Acting, almighty, eternal, and bloated , incomprehensible, infinite in ego, misunderstanding and every imperfection.
  2. Since he is one, singular, completely simple and unchangeable substance, he must be declared to be in reality and in essence, bloated and hairless beyond belief, distinct from the world, supremely happy in himself and from himself, and, in his own mind, inexpressibly loftier than anyone besides himself which either exists or can be imagined.
  3. This One, True and Living Shatner, by his egomania and almighty temper, not with the intention of increasing his happiness, nor indeed of obtaining happiness, but in order to manifest his imperfection by the bad things which he bestows on his audience, by an absolutely foiled plan, together from the beginning of the script brought into being from nothing, that is to say, nothing good, to produce the overly dramatic, the laughable, yet serious, attempt at acting.
  4. Everything that the OTS has brought into being he protects and governs by means of a contract, which reaches from one end of the table to the other and requires a multitude of attorneys to understand well. And with their help, all things are open and laid bare to his eyes and the eyes of those who pay him. Thus, it is understood to all that the OTS will litigate and smite at will.

Chapter 2 (chapter 1 divided in half)

On Divine Revelation

  1. The same High and Holy mother Church holds and teaches that the OTS, the source and end of all stupid things, can be known with certainty from the consideration of his resume. Ever since the creation of the bad TV, his invisible nature has been clearly perceived in the things that have been made. 2. It was, however, pleasing to his career ambition to reveal himself and the eternal laws of his will to the human race by another means- that of music recordings. This is how the "Shapostle" puts it : In many and various ways the OTS sang off key and helped us to long for the last days. He sang so poorly that we doubted not the depths of the amusing contempt his record provoked in us and in our ears and in our trash cans which were destined to be filled with his broken and holy vinyl.
  2. It is indeed thanks to the Divine Toupee, that those matters concerning the OTS which are of themselves beyond the scope of good taste, can, even in the present state of the human race, be known by everyone without difficulty, with firm certitude and with no intermingling of error.

    It is not because of this that one must hold Revelation to be absolutely necessary; the reason is that the OTS directed human beings to endure his acting, that is a sharing in the bad things of the OTS that utterly surpasses the misunderstandings of the human mind; indeed eye has not seen, neither has ear heard, nor has it come into our hearts to conceive what things the OTS has prepared for those who mock him.
  3. Now this supernatural Revelation, according to the belief of the universal High and Holy Church, as declared by the sacred Council the Dudes, is contained in written books and unwritten books, which were received by the shapostles from the lips of the OTS himself, or came to the shapostles by the dictation of the OTS's ghost writers, and were passed on as it were from hand to publisher to public to trash can.
  4. The complete books of the OTS with all their parts, as they are listed in the decree of the said High and Holy Council and as they are found in the landfills and under broken table legs and in use as doorstops, are to be received as sacred and canonical.
  5. These books the High and Holy Church holds to be sacred and canonical not because she subsequently approved them by her authority after they had been composed by the unaided human skill of ghost writers, nor simply because they contain Revelation without error, but because, being written under the inspiration of the mighty dollar, they have the OTS as their true author, and were as such committed to the Church.
  6. Now since the decree on the interpretation of the OTS's Holy books, made profitable by much advertising, with the intention of promoting compulsive buying, has been wrongly interpreted by some, we renew that decree and declare its meaning to be as follows: that in matters of writing, acting and singing, belonging as they do to the establishing of Shatnerological doctrine, that meaning of Holy books must be held to be the true one, which Holy mother Church held and holds, since it is her right to judge of the true meaning and interpretation of the OTS's books.
  7. In consequence, it is not permissible for anyone to interpret the OTS's books in a sense contrary to this, or indeed against the unanimous consent of the High and Holy Church.

Chapter 3 (more of chapter one with a lot more B.S.)

On faithlessness

  1. Since TV viewers are at time totally dependent on the OTS for amusement, we are obliged to yield to the OTS, the full efforts of our mockery and contempt.
  2. This faith, which is the beginning of human inanity, which the High and Holy Church professes to be most likely true, by means of which, with the bloatedness of the OTS inspiring and assisting us, is pretty damned cool.
  3. Faithlessness, declares the Shapostle, is the disappointment of things hoped for, the contempt for things seen.
  4. Nevertheless, in order that the submission of our faithlessness should be in accordance with our irrationality, it was the OTS's will that there should be linked to the internal assistance of the television indications of his bloated and hairless nature, that is to say his profane acting, and first and foremost the miracle of his fame and prophetic disgust of the masses. which clearly demonstrate what we're dealing with here.
  5. Hence Leonard Nimoy and the other prophets, and especially the guy who played Bones, worked many miracles in being able to deliver their lines without laughing; while of the shapostles we read: And they went forth from the dressing room and stood on the set in total dismay of what they were witnessing while the OTS worked with them and confirmed the message of his bloated ego by the signs that attended it. Again it is written: We have the prophetic word made more sure; you, with regard to your acting, will do well to pay attention to the Shatner's mistake as to a lamp shining in a dark place.
  6. Now, although the assent of faithlessness is by no means a blind movement of the mind, yet no one can accept the OTS in the way that is without what is necessary for achieving complete contempt at what is seen.
  7. And so faithlessness in itself, even though it may not work through effort or anything worth doing, is a gift of the OTS, and its operation is a work belonging to the order of stupidity, in that a person yields true obedience to the OTS himself when he accepts and collaborates with that which should otherwise be rejected.
  8. Wherefore, by divine and Shatnerized faithlessness all those things are to be believed which are contained in the words of the Script, and which are proposed by the High and Holy Church as matters to be believed as possible true, whether by her solemn judgment or in her ordinary lack of understanding.
  9. Since, then, without faithlessness it is impossible to please the OTS and reach the fellowship of his sons and daughters, it follows that no one can ever achieve true mockery of the OTS without it, neither can anyone attain complete eternal slacking unless he or she perseveres in it to the end.
  10. So that we could fulfill our duty of embracing true faithlessness and of waveringly in it, the OTS, through his only begotten career, founded the High and Holy Church, and he endowed his institution with clear notes to the end of the script, the lighting and the rolling of the credits. Therefore, the High and Holy Church must be recognized by all as the guardian and teacher of Shatnerology.
  11. To the Church alone belong all those bad things, so many and so misguided, which have been divinely ordained to make for the manifest credibility of Shatnerology.
  12. What is more, the Church herself by reason of her astonishing disorganization , her outstanding horniness and her inexhaustible fertility in every kind of monkey magic, by her disunity and her conquerable stability, is a kind of great and perpetual motive of credibility and an incontrovertible evidence of her own relationship to the OTS.
  13. So it comes about that, like a standard lifted up for the nations, she both invites to herself those who have not yet believed, and likewise assures her sons and daughters that the faithlessness they profess rests on the weakest of foundations.
  14. To this witness is added the effective help of power from on high. For, the OTS stirs up those who go astray and helps them by his bloatedness so that they may continue to go the wrong way. And also, by his hairlessness, he confirms those whom he has translated into an everlasting witness to his lack of talent so that they may persevere in their mockery, not abandoning them unless he becomes hungry and heads for the kitchen to grasp the Divine Spatula.
  15. Consequently, the situation of those, who by the gift of faithlessness have embraced Shatnerology, is by no means the same as that of those who, led by human opinions, follow a false religion; for those who have accepted the faith under the guidance of the High and Holy Church can never have any just cause for changing this faithlessness or for calling it into question.
  16. This being so, giving thanks to the OTS who has made us worthy to share with the shapostles and shaints this faithlessness, let us not neglect so great an opportunity to mock him, but looking unto the OTS, the author and finisher of bad acting, let us hold the unshakable confession of our hope.

    As in the words of the Shapostle, may it be forever proclaimed, "Make way for the hairless and bloated one. For his ego is great and his talents few. Laugh and be merry, mock and make monkey magic galore!"

Return to The UberPage of The First Church of Shatnerology