This is a "Gdank", one of the dwellers of the 37 sub-levels of Helle. Helle is the place where non-shatner worshippers go when they leave this world for the next. Unfortunately, too many people are being sent to Helle for their blasphemy of all things Shatner. It is our mission to stop this.

An Open Letter from the Archbishop . . .


Special Note: Lately it has been noted that the picture of the Archbishop Bonk below could actually get him in trouble! For this reason, the picture has been lovingly obscured so as to prevent any foreign governments, stalking homosexuals, or fascist companies from identifying him. Amen.

Click to hear an exclusive audio clip of the OTS masturbating!

image\b_cens.jpgDear Members of the First Church of the One True Shatner,

After reading, examining the moron, excuse me, the mormon document on Masturbation, I feel that as the Golden ArchUberPope of this glorious, new, fast paced, feel good in your pants, new wave, hip, making all the young ones want hang with us religion, I will explain our OTS policies on the subject of the big M. Which of Course is: Masturbation builds Character. See statement #2. This explains our popularity with members of the opposite sex.
When the temptation of the big M is strong, yell "Oh Yeah" and get at it.

For members of our church who don't read our holy books much, the Uberpope's piece is known as a "WarHead", while the other high ranking officials of the OTS have mere "Cannon"s. Doubling your physical activity will increase the power of your weapon. The Uberpope himself is known to have caused a few natural disasters when his piece has gone off. This includes: shooting down a 747 over Ireland 8 years ago; before that he put a crater in the side of Iolo; and more recently he devastated a large Japanese village. Exercise is good for the Monkey.

Look, since we known that it is impossible to overcome the urge, we celebrate the activity, the fact, the event. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a large billboard. Carry it with you, show it to you friends, brag about it. If fact, if you can publish it, you get extra OTS browny points. If you masturbate, color that day black. Your goal will be to have black months, black years, and black decades. The calendar becomes a strong visual reminder of how much character you have.

Work daily on a self-improvement program. Improve your relationships with your trouser trout. Force yourself to be alone and in dark places. Learn to enjoy working and talking to it. Give it a name, such "Furry Mammoth".

Just Do It.

This is what we all look forward to. I myself am known for being about to fire my cannon with both hands tied to a bed. A little known Pope of the AntiShatner religion tried this once. He was rubbing is legs together or some other nonsense and his bed caught fire. In a panic, he forgot to untie his slip knots and burned to death in his bed. All that was left was two charred hands clutching the bed frame. Also has a policy, I hold a copy of Tekwars in one hand and Star Trek Memories in the other.

There is nothing to cancel out the pleasurableness of the M.

I feel that I must also alert members of the OTS to our "Statements". Other religions have their "Commandments" had such, which just bring everybody down, and are basically useless, cause everyone ignores them. Plus "Commandment" is such a harsh term. So "Statements" is what we have. So as I spell a few out for you, you mush image me coming out of the clouds, hiking down a mountain in the rain after being alone and not showering for many days. For those that know me, this should not be difficult.

Return to The UberPage of The First Church of Shatnerology