The Official Mormon Document on Overcoming the Sin of Masturbation.

An Open Comment from the Pope on the Open Letter from the Archbiship . . .

To: The Most Golden UberArchBishophood

From: The Grand High Arch UberPopetitude

UberBishopHood of the big M, I must beg the collective pardon of certain parties who were not privvie to the original document. The document follows this question. To what shows does one Masturbate? I understand that Star Trek and TekWar are choice, but are others acceptable? For example, when I watch Beverly Hills 90210, I feel the need to choke the Papal chicken until Tori Spelling's face looks like a glazed doughnut. Would this be a sin?

I feel that you are the expert on this subject, your reply is anticipated.

What follows, for those who did not receive the original document, is a segment from a text for Mormon children on avoiding the sin of masturbation.

Guide to Self-Control: Overcoming Masturbation.

ENLIST THE POWER OF PRAYER!

Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation.

Pray fervently and out loud when the temptations are the strongest.

When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell "Stop!" to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind. Then recite a portion of the Bible or sing a hymn.

EXERCISE VIGOROUSLY!

Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise, which reduce emotional tension and depression.

Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing.

SET GOALS!

Set a goal of abstinence. Begin with a day, then a week, month, year. Finally, commit yourself to never doing it again.

Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you but show it to no one.

If you masturbate, color that day black. Your goal will be to have no black days.

The calendar becomes a strong visual reminder, and should be looked at when you are tempted to add another black day.

Keep your calendar up until you have at least three clear months.

Set up a reward system. Each time you reach a goal, award yourself a quarter. Spend it on something that delights you.

WORK ON SELF-IMPROVEMENT!

Work daily on a self-improvement program. Improve your relationships with your family. Increase your service to your church.

Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking with them.

Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations.

AVOID TEMPTATION!

When on the toilet or showering, leave the door partly open.

Arise immediately in the mornings. Don't lie awake in bed -- start each day with enthusiastic activity.

Avoid people, situations, pictures and reading material that might create sexual excitement.

USE PHYSICAL RESTRAINTS!

Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.

Put on several layers of clothing that would be difficult to remove while half asleep.

Hold an object -- for example, a Bible -- even in bed at night.

In severe cases, tie a hand to the bed frame.

BE ALERT TO EMOTIONS!

Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape.

Plan to counter these low periods through reading a book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc.

Employ aversion therapy. To cancel out the pleasurableness of masturbating , associate something very distasteful with the act. For example, imagine bathing in a tub of worms and eating some of them.