Merry Christmas, Supplicants!
For all of your hard-earned supplication this year, we at the First Church of Blinding and Deafening Shatnerology
give you, the unworthy viewer, a fabulous gift!
That's right. Even though you are likely little more than groveling fanboys living in your downtown Indianapolis apartments playing video games, we have decided to grace your unworthy hides with a fabulous gifts. We, the patriarch and matriarch of the FCOS give you our sparkling
voices in this, the first of what will undoubtedly be a series of. . .
Shatnerologist Christmas Carols (ShatMas Carols)
That's right, unworthy troll-boys. Here are the first of what will undoubtedly be a long series of Christmas carols in the Shatnerologist vein. It will have you dreaming of Shatners in Santa suits all day long. In addition to the lyrics, the UberPopess and I offer you our voices, courtesy of RealAudio. Without further mindless babbling, I present you. . .
Shatner, the Toupeed Actor
Download this file and play 'til your unworthy ears bleed. You have
been warned.
Shatner the toupeed actor
Had a very curly wig.
and if you ever saw it
You would even think it's big.
All of the other actors
Used to laugh and call him names.
They'd never let poor Shatner
Play Captain Kirk, [comma] James!
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Roddenberry said
"Shatner with your wig curly,
let's make a Star Trek Movie."
Then all the actors loathed him,
And they all started to scream:
"Shatner the Toupeed Actor,
you cut me out of every scene!"
Tekwar Bells
Download this file and play, although I don't recommend it.
Tekwar Bells
Tekwar Bells
Tekwar all the way
Tekwar was a science fiction series
On Network USA!
Tekwar Bells
Tekwar Bells
Tekwar all the way
It got okay ratings, but it got cancelled anyway!
Shatner wanted the lead
Shatner had the hair
Shatner lost the lead
To B.J. and The Bear
He stuck chips in his head
He shot criminals dead
But I can't watch Tekwar anymore,
so I watch Duckman instead
[chorus]
The Twelve Days of ShatMas
The following fine work was donated by Shatnerologist
babe extraordinaire Cara Lilith MacRae. Enjoy.
On the first day of ShatMas,
OTS gave to me
A toupee on his pear-shaped fanny.
On the second day of ShatMas,
OTS gave to me
Two sultry pouts
And a toupee on his pear-shaped fanny.
On the third day of ShatMas,
OTS gave to me
Three fat butts
Two sultry pouts
And a toupee on his pear-shaped fanny.
On the fourth day of ShatMas,
OTS gave to me
Four suspicious stains
(etc.)
On the fifth day of ShatMas,
OTS gave to me
Five wet hickies!
(etc.)
On the sixth day of ShatMas,
OTS gave to me
Six mistreated horses
(etc.)
On the seventh day of ShatMas,
OTS gave to me
Seven fanboy insults
(etc.)
On the eighth day of ShatMas,
OTS gave to me
Eight pompous speeches
(etc.)
On the ninth day of ShatMas,
OTS gave to me
Nine half-assed fight scenes
(etc.)
On the tenth day of ShatMas,
OTS gave to me
Ten wild-eyed rantings
(etc.)
On the eleventh day of ShatMas,
OTS gave to me
Eleven tuneless ballads
(etc.)
On the twelfth day of ShatMas,
OTS gave to me
Twelve sweat-stained tunics
Eleven tuneless ballads
Ten wild-eyed rantings
Nine half-assed fight scenes
Eight pompous speeches
Seven fanboy insults
Six mistreated horses
Five wet hickies!
Four suspicious stains
Three fat butts
Two sultry pouts
And a toupee on his pear-shaped fanny!
By the way, if you're having a wedding or a Bar Mitzvah, and you're looking for a diva with a classic voice, look no further than the UberPopess. Here's a fine sample of her work.
