Early photo of AustraloShatneroloPithinicrickus, from which all Shatnerologists have descended.

The Skriptures!
. . .or, why I need to have myself deprogrammed
By John Hattan, Grand High Arch Exhaulted UberPopetitude of the First Church of Shatnerology

In the beginning, there was the word. Before the word, there was not a recorded history, so it does not matter what happened before the word. We can all speculate and build our private theories involving DNA or SupremeBeings, but until we can fly to the other side of the galaxy faster than light so we can watch the earth with a damn fine telescope and see what life was like a half-dozen epochs ago, we'll never know.

One thing we DO know, the word was invented by human beings who were likely shorter and hairier than us. Going back to our short, hairy roots is the basis of all Shatnerology. The addition of extra hair on our heads harkens us back to simpler times when we didn't have as many limbs and advertising didn't need to display breasts to sell smoke-able products THAT DON'T EVEN GET YOU HIGH!

Many have speculated about the TerrificallyTall fur-piece that resides on the noggin of our master/prophet/puppeteer. This is none other than the TOUPEE. There are many other minor toupees in existence, but there is only one TOUPEE. This device is superior to all others, not just because it lies upon our master, but because it AUGMENTS him. It ENHANCES him and CONSUMES him! This furry device is truly the UberTOUPEE, sparky!

Many have speculated about the form, function, and the very mythos of the TOUPEE. There are two things we currently know about it (thanks to the Shatnerologist Research Agency for this). .

• It is obvious that the OTS wears a TOUPEE
• The OTS vehemently denies wearing a TOUPEE

From this information, we can only glean that THE OTS DOES NOT REALIZE THAT HE IS WEARING A TOUPEE! We have it on good authority that the TOUPEE is actually a trans-dimensional fur-being that is using his glorious science-fiction-spouting head as a host. The mind wobbles at the possibilities offered by the combination of the minds working in unison for the common good. One thing is true, we should all be thankful for this gift of the TOUPEE.

We at the FCOS recommend that you head to your nearest ClothWorld for a square yard of the most luxurious piece of artificial fur you can find. When you get it home, touch it, feel the sensuous nature of the fur. Roll in it.

Finally, cut it up and wear it on your head. You will feel your inhibitions drain away, and your mind will open to the dramatic possibilities in your life. Most importantly, send us a GIF of you wearing your fur-piece. We need more content to fill up this bonehead WWW page, dammit

Who We Are

We are a small group of fur-bearing nomadic tribesman who hang out in airports in the southern part of the US. We distribute the seductive philosophies of the OTS while drinking fortified wine and blaspheming all minor gods and assorted ethereal creatures until our pineal glands ache with the heady pleasures that only such an activity can provide.

Yes, the FCOS provides pleasure. . .but don't get us wrong! We are a post-industrial garbage-punk church with insanely enlarged testicles caused by sampling the pleasures that can only be had by the savage sensibilities granted by the three-breasted green-skinned PleasureWymyn(tm) of Planet Playtex. We tolerate these indignities (actually we tolerate them like crazed minks), but we grow stronger by them. They provide us with the strength we need to ingest enormous quantities of our Shatnerologist nectar (Thunderbird is preferred) and shout our mantra to the cold stars above. .

MR. TAMBOURINE MANNNNN!

By the way, the world is coming to an end

The glorious rupture will be taking us all by surprise any day now. This is the crux of the FCOS (and all other DECENT millennium cults) and the thousands of followers who will back me up on each and every one of my points. Full exposure to the full gospels of Shatnerology (most available in paperback) is the first step to the Quickening that will occur within the bloated forms of true Shatnerologist

A cornerstone of the FCOS is the FCOS barbecue! This is a religious ritual involving saints, fire, friends, and meat products. The centerpiece of the barbecue is the holy visage of a concrete saint. These saints are available at a few places:

• A local K-Mart in the garden section
• A craft store in the garden section
• A neighbor's front yard (as our UberArchBishop can attest)

There are essentially three varieties of concrete saints:

• The virgin Mary (mentioned at the beginning of the New Testament)
• Saint Francis of Asissi (mentioned in the book of Leviticus)
• A Gnome (most of the false gods of the Old Testament were gnome-based)

Once you have your concrete saint, pile charcoal around him to a nice height. Pour gobs of lighter fluid over the whole affair and blaze on! Once your saint is nice and hot, cook your meat until tender. Eat the fine saint-enhanced barbecue with fortified wine and Doritos(tm). You'll thank me later.

After several barbecues, your saint will begin to crack and crumble. Continue to barbecue until your saint is a miserable little heap of rubble. At this point, bury your saint, thanking him for all the fine barbecue he provided.

How to Make Prank Calls

The final piece of the three-cornered polygon of the Church of Shatnerology is the prank phone call. When you were a child, you thought as a child, you acted as a child, and you called up the neighbors to ask them if their refrigerator was running. Now you are an adult. You think as an adult, and you should set your sights higher. This means Prank-calling talk-radio shows!

All radio call-in shows have two major parts. First is the talker or "host". Surprisingly, this is least important part of the talk radio show. This is usually some stuffy self-righteous Republocrat who thinks what he says matters. The important part of the talk radio show is the call screener (or producer). This is the person who asks for your name and what you want to talk about. This person is important in that you must convince him to put you on the air!

Fooling the screener is actually quite simple. . .TELL THEM WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR. If the topic of the day is Bosnia, call in with a related comment. This goes true for sex, hockey, Ebola Virus, etc. Just tell the screener something that will get you on the air. You will be put on hold for a couple of minutes, then you will have the privilege of saying something stupid to thousands of people! Once you're on the air, the listening public is ready, WAITING for what you have to say. Make it count! I like to blast out a hearty SHATNER IS GOD! If they don't hang up on me at that point, I like to follow up with a rant about how we're all going to be marked by the AntiShatner and how the TOUPEE will save us all!

A Few Tips. . .

• Sports talk radio shows are the easiest. Just tell the screener that "free agents are ruining the game". . .whatever that game is.
• Religious radio shows are lots of fun, as the hosts get the most angry. I have received Rev. Bob Larson's coveted "jerk of the day" award several times!
• Political shows are fun too, as the host generally thinks he's doing the public a great service by rambling on about how he hates the right/left. Have fun with 'em!
• Ordinary DJ's aren't much fun, as they have no lives, and they like to play along. If they don't get pissed off and hang up, there's not much point.

Important Prank Phone Call Addendum

Some radio hosts are getting into the habit of saying that spoofing talk-radio programs is illegal. This is a damn lie! I have had hosts threaten to trace my calls and haul me to jail. It never happened, and it never will. Remember, they asked you to call them, so how can they be upset when you do? Jeez!

By the way, be sure to check out the new Shatnerologist Phone Phun page!

Benny Hinn Sez "Shatnerology Blows"
(isn't he shiny?)